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Accelerating Away
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling,
"Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she
got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five
dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is
just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house
yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked,
"Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten
dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree
and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,
"Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more
person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that
they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well
until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me
they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the
new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain,
the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife
has fallen three times this week!"
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife
and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge
for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it
on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't
have any screws for it, so he asked her "Do you want a screw for
that hinge?"
She looked back at him and said "No, but I'll blow you for that
toaster in the window."
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with
all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding
voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males
take off your ***** and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over
there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get
your ***** back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and
was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and
look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and
said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it
will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has
drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting
so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held
out a piece of paper..."I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private
and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir"
"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a
head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to
see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman
has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and hockey
players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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