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Army Answering Machine Message


Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out
at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your
country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number
at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia,
Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, the
Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call. Please speak after
the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea:
Press 1 for the Royal Marines.

B: If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can
be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs:
Please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.)

C:. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship,
some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching
Please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy Whitehall, London SW1.

Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please,
please, please do, although retention is fine and we are right up to
strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically paid little, have
premature arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned
hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your balls off day and
night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and
conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes,
whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while
fireman and binmen have a little holiday, then please stay on the line. Your
call will shortly be passed on to a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant
in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army:)
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