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Good Job us Scousers have a sense of Humour!



At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in

Tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when short, well dressed and

Obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers,

the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the
big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he


At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and

Smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool,

he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the

car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed,

bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you

like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."


Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve

to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.


Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.


Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A. A Burglar.


Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie?

A. The accused.


Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?

A: Because God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.


Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?

A: Big Mac and fries please.


Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?

A: What you looking at?


Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shell suit

A: The Bride.


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to

The counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've
just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of
the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will
also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas
holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
Liverpool's Olympic Bid

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and ****ing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.​
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