More Jokes-groan!!

[Dave Sumner]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."



You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before
End'



So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said
"Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."



I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.



I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it
down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do
it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the
custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He
said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside
my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"



So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"



So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.



I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat
in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been
on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."



So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow