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Similar but not quite


Big Landy Fan
Just thinking of guys I`ve known who use a word which is not quite right but
yet hilarious.

In a mens club one night for a drink. The MC suddenly jumps up to make an announcement. " Ladies and Gents there has been a theft from the bar till.
Nobody leave their seats. The Police are here and they will throw an accordion round the building".....?

Another time on a roof a mate says to me " Don`t throw any slates down below at the moment. I just saw the Engineer down there taking some measurements with his Thalidamide.................True!!:D

my great aunt was recalling to us the situation just after my great uncle had died, so we are all in the room when she said.... 'so the ambulance men said he wasn't breathing so they tried to recite him...'
On our way to some Scout event or other, some years ago, my colleagues son was with us and we were winding him about something - it was a bit like shooting fish in a bucket, it was so easy - when he lit up and said 'tilt'.

He got all irrate, drew himself up to his full height and said;

"I deserve some respect - I am an 'A' level squalor you know!"

Needless to say, we fell about; "Yes Axxxxx, we think perhaps you are."

Heard 2 old ladies in tescos talking about a friend of theirs.

"yes, she has to go into hospital to have a hysterical rectum"

I nearly wet myself.
I got in a bit of a pickle once discussing something with my late grandfather and in front of my late grandmother and my parents, I got organism mixed up with orgasm:eek:

cheers, Tim
My Grand mother always said she had a "Cardiac Heart" when she used to discuss her many illnesses with her friends.

Dad says he is being "Pacific" when he means specific.

Our new Polish cleaner came into the workshop yesterday, her vacuum handle had come loose, and asked if I could give her a screw, then came back for a flat screw.:eek:

Gallant as ever, I informed her that she needed a crosshead screwdriver and a flat screwdriver, she said she wondered why we were all smiling. Nice girl though....:)

One of the same guys I mentioned talked of a disabled woman we both knew.

" I saw her yesterday. It`s amazing how she can walk at all with that Strimmer "..............:eek:

My mother while walking through B&Q shouted accross the isle to me "Look the Durex Dog" She went bright red when i corrected her that it was the dulux dog!
When I gave birth to my daughter, my Mother tried to do the decent thing by taking the boys away (age 3 & 7) and do some shopping.
Knowing what needs to be bought at such a time they tell her to buy nappies.. off she trots down the johnsons section & they shout across the store "No... not those ones, these over here for catching all that blood"

It's so much easier to love them when they are away :)
Someone who used to work for me couldn't say 'specific' but always used to say 'Pacific' or 'pacifically'

Mind you, I deliberately throw in similar sounding words when I'm talking to see if people are listening. My favourite - pinched from the Two Ronnies - is 'cats ar** for tea' in place of catastrophe. :D

My mother went to every electrical store in town, trying to buy a vibrator, even arguing when they said they didn't sell them...She wanted a massager for my dads bad shoulder:eek:
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