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Some for today

Dave Sumner

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,



Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London .

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for


Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want

to see how you live on £800 a year".


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g
pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."


Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that
they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the
Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns
to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive
thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.
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