Sadly no.
-
Welcome to the Land Rover UK Forums
You are currently viewing the site as a guest and some content may not be available to you.
Registration is quick and easy and will give you full access to the site and allow you to ask questions or make comments and join in on the conversation. If you would like to register then please Register Now
Dumb joke...
- Thread starter Big Sandy
- Start date
dirtyberty
Extreme Landy Fan
I bloody know how that feels at the moment..!
Farmer is writing his will and wants to leave the farm to his favourite son but he wants to make it seem fair.
So, he gets his two sons together and tells them how he is going to decide which one of them is going to get the farm
I want you each to go to market to sell an animal from the farm. Which ever of you makes the most money gets the farm.
He tells his favoured son to sell the prize pig, the other son has to sell the oldest duck on the farm.
They do as requested.
The favoured son is home quite soon and has made £250 the farmer is delighted.
The other son doesn't get home till nearly midnight, when asked how much he got for the duck, he says £1000
The farmer is gob smacked, how did you do that?
Well I stood there all day and nobody wanted to buy the duck so I thought I'd see if I could get a prostitute willing to have sex with me if I gave her the duck in payment. The only one willing was a really old, ugly prostitute so we did the deed. Afterwards she said she hadn't such good sex for years and if she gave the duck back to me could we do it again. So we did and I got the duck back.
Then, walking home, a fella in a big expensive car ran over the duck and squashed it flat. I explained that the duck was all I had in the world and my entire future depended on it. He gave me the £1000 he was so guilty for having destroyed my life.
So I got
A fuck for a duck
A duck for a fuck
And £1000 for a fucked up duck
So, he gets his two sons together and tells them how he is going to decide which one of them is going to get the farm
I want you each to go to market to sell an animal from the farm. Which ever of you makes the most money gets the farm.
He tells his favoured son to sell the prize pig, the other son has to sell the oldest duck on the farm.
They do as requested.
The favoured son is home quite soon and has made £250 the farmer is delighted.
The other son doesn't get home till nearly midnight, when asked how much he got for the duck, he says £1000
The farmer is gob smacked, how did you do that?
Well I stood there all day and nobody wanted to buy the duck so I thought I'd see if I could get a prostitute willing to have sex with me if I gave her the duck in payment. The only one willing was a really old, ugly prostitute so we did the deed. Afterwards she said she hadn't such good sex for years and if she gave the duck back to me could we do it again. So we did and I got the duck back.
Then, walking home, a fella in a big expensive car ran over the duck and squashed it flat. I explained that the duck was all I had in the world and my entire future depended on it. He gave me the £1000 he was so guilty for having destroyed my life.
So I got
A fuck for a duck
A duck for a fuck
And £1000 for a fucked up duck
I didn’t realise that a team of French Chiropodists climbed Mount Everest that is no mean Feet .
Fella wants to get rid of his wife.
His friend puts him in touch with somebody willing to kill her, a bloke called Artie
How much asks the husband?
I'll do it for £1 says the killer but I'll need a recent picture of her and I need to know where she goes shopping.
The husband gives him a recent photo and tells the murderer that she always goes shopping at a particular branch of Tesco.
Just out of curiosity asks the husband, how will you kill her?
I likes to choke them to death says the murderer.
Anyway, about a week later, the wife goes shopping, the murderer is there and does the deed, but just as she falls to the ground, dead. Her mother walks round the corner so he has no choice but to kill her as well, then a member of Tesco staff walks round the corner and he has to kill that person as well.
He is caught by the police and arrested.
The headline next day reads "Artie chokes 3 for £1 at Tesco"
His friend puts him in touch with somebody willing to kill her, a bloke called Artie
How much asks the husband?
I'll do it for £1 says the killer but I'll need a recent picture of her and I need to know where she goes shopping.
The husband gives him a recent photo and tells the murderer that she always goes shopping at a particular branch of Tesco.
Just out of curiosity asks the husband, how will you kill her?
I likes to choke them to death says the murderer.
Anyway, about a week later, the wife goes shopping, the murderer is there and does the deed, but just as she falls to the ground, dead. Her mother walks round the corner so he has no choice but to kill her as well, then a member of Tesco staff walks round the corner and he has to kill that person as well.
He is caught by the police and arrested.
The headline next day reads "Artie chokes 3 for £1 at Tesco"
Like
This did make me laugh ..
This fella cam around knocked on the door said this double glazing we installed you haven’t fecking paid for it .6 feckin months it been in and no money ..I said to him you told me it would pay for itself in 6 months ..
A Spanish driving instructor = El plate
Walking past this cake shop on the window it said all cakes 50p I thought I’ll have some of that .i walked in and said I’ll have a slice of that there please .the lady said that’s a £1 please I said on the window it said all cakes 50p…she says to me that’s my Madeira one ..
Young lad and girl on first date. He walks her home and she invites him in but warns him to be very quiet so they don't wake her dad because he will go off on them.
After a short period of whispering to each other in the lounge the lad tells her he needs the loo. You can't go upstairs you'll wake my dad and he'll go nuts.
What am I going to do, I really need to go.
You'll have to use the kitchen sink she tells him.
He looks at her a bit funny but says OK.
She shows him where the kitchen is and leaves him to get on with it.
After a few minutes she starts to wonder what is keeping him. After ten minutes she goes looking for him.
She walks into the kitchen and asks him what the hold up is
I cannot find the loo roll to wipe my bum.
After a short period of whispering to each other in the lounge the lad tells her he needs the loo. You can't go upstairs you'll wake my dad and he'll go nuts.
What am I going to do, I really need to go.
You'll have to use the kitchen sink she tells him.
He looks at her a bit funny but says OK.
She shows him where the kitchen is and leaves him to get on with it.
After a few minutes she starts to wonder what is keeping him. After ten minutes she goes looking for him.
She walks into the kitchen and asks him what the hold up is
I cannot find the loo roll to wipe my bum.
This fella wins the pools and buys a Rolls Royce he’s going down the motorway but the car won’t do more that 30mph he pulls up on the hard shoulder and rings the AA ..the man says my car won’t do more than 30 what can the problem be .the AA man says what are you in he says Tweed jacket and welly’s .
One sheep says to another I’ll never find another ewe 
Last edited:
So yesterday we had 5 Ants move into our shed today 5 more 
we have tenants .
we have tenants .
I walked into my local bank to see about a loan .there’s a guy sitting behind the desk with a cowboy hat on and mask .I said excuse me I’ve come about the loan he said yes it’s me I’m the Lone Ranger .
We decided to get a four poster bed made so paid upfront to a guy and haven’t heard from him for 3 weeks I think he’s done a bunk ..
